Surgery and Stages of Grief

There are days that being a Religious Studies major in college who studied the Stages of Grief bites me in the a**.  This last month is one of those.  To summarize:  I just found out I get to have my fourth hernia surgery as the last one has not worked completely as planned.  So upcoming surgery and I’m going through the stages of grief … again.

The Stages of Grief

You are likely familiar with the stages. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross proposed the five stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying in 1969.  The stages that she identified are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  Not everyone goes through each stage or goes through them in the same order.  (I find I cycle around depending on what has happened.) Here is a good summary if you are interested in reading more.

The Expected

As you look at life there are always some events to bring on these grief stages you figure every person will go through and therefore they are mostly expected.  I have been through some for the expected:  the loss of a grandparent, the loss of a pet, the loss of a job.

The Unexpected

But sometimes life doesn’t go “as it should” and there are areas of grief that not everyone in this world experiences and try as they might it is not possible to always understand the full scope.  So some not quite so expected:  the birth of a child with disabilities, the loss of a child, multiple surgeries and the loss of use of the body while healing occurs.

Some would say because I was a Religious Studies major I must find immense “strength” in that belief of a deity.  However true it might have been at one time, and surprises me sometimes still showing up at stressful times in life… it is hard.  We, God and I, have a complicated relationship since the loss of our daughter 12 years ago.  That “strength” that people feel I must have is also complicated by the intense studying I did and knowing the background of certain books of the bible and when they were written and how translations occur, and so many other factors that I do not and cannot currently take the bible at face value… no matter the translation I read. (One of the many reasons we homeschool for secular and not religious reasons, more on that another day.)

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My Journey with Surgery and the Stages of Grief

As it is right now I’m grieving my body.  I’m grieving it breaking… again.  I have thought it was broken for over a year but the doctor disagreed.  It turns out my advocating for myself, pushing for a CT to show the difference between last April and two weeks ago was very necessary to get him to realize that what he thought was okay, is not.  I’m angry I couldn’t push my case sooner and I’ve been living in pain for so long.  I’m angry that I need yet another hernia repair surgery.  I’m angry that his proposed best solution, having plastic surgery to take away fat and skin that pull on my abdominal muscles is all dependent upon what someone from the insurance company says.  I’m angry at the possibility of a doctor I have not met yet perhaps thinking I want all those scars from c-sections and repair… the stories of my children, the visible reminder of all my body has done and what I should be proud of… should be just stripped away because it “looks” better.

Denial

I had seen my doctor in April of last year and was told nothing was wrong.  I was healing well.  Hubby heard it as well and I tried to believe.  Wanting to believe the doctor my husband tried to help convince me based on what the doctor said.  So I denied that things were not right.  I saw him again in November for a checkup, on my own this time and he said all was well and it was just excess scar tissue.  I questioned my body and what I felt was happening.

Depression

Depression was next.  December-March came.  This is a complicated time having our first born in January (2002), losing her in February (2005) and my now oldest born in December (2005).  There are a lot of emotions that resurface during those times.  Add to that the cold weather, the possible Seasonal Affective Disorder, it can be bad.  Dealing with the denial from the doctor that there was something wrong and trying to wrap my head around that… well it really made it a dark time this year.  I was also depressed that my body, although whole by his examination, was continuing to hurt… a lot.  Pain does “wonders” to help depression.  {Yes that is said with complete sarcasm.}

Bargaining

Bargaining came into play when I finally had some time to myself in April.  I laid in bed, alone for once… a rare experience, and carefully probed my stomach checking for the Diastasis Recti that he closed. Thankfully that still felt closed, even if it felt a bit sore at the naval area.  I did realize though that on the right side I had little to no feeling.  My right side is where my first hernia was, an incisional hernia from my first c-section in 2002 which was not fixed until 2003, I will tell that story another day.  The right side is also where all my babies sat.  The right side where I felt I had another hernia before the multiple hernia’s were diagnosed in a hurry in 2015.  Probing and only feeling sensation with my fingers was disconcerting and made me concerned something might happen and I wouldn’t realize it until things were in really bad straights.

So I bargained.  I bargained with myself that I’d call again pushing for a CT and likely find nothing was wrong because well that is what he said in November right?  It still took two weeks for me to bully myself into making the call.  I bargained with the nurse as I pushed for the CT pleading my case not wanting to have a worst-case scenario again like I did requiring the emergency surgery in 2015.  I bargained that I would buy a new swimsuit after my appointment so I could enjoy going to the beach with the girls this year.  (While I love my suit, it is a struggle to get on and I tend to look like a 50’s pinup girl once it’s on.  Hubby likes that but not how I wanted to go to the beach this year.)

Anger

Then as I met with him, and he came in saying there is a hernia, the anger came back.  I only swore once aloud, and then it was still what most would consider mild.  I held myself together well I think, he didn’t even blink.  I think he was even impressed.  Even as he did the exam he had trouble finding the hernia.  Apparently what he did last January has done a remarkable job hiding it.  Had I not pushed for the CT he might not have realized it was there.  The muscles are strong enough to hide it except in certain positions (side-lying).  He told me he wants to work with a plastic surgeon and remove some of the fat and excess in hopes that by doing that I will not have another recurrent hernia again.  Four in 15 years is a bit much.  Especially when you have three confirmed  hernias since 2015, my best guess is I at least had one since 2014 if not before.

Acceptance

So now I’m waiting.  I’m trying to be accepting, I think the better word for me right now is resigned.  I meet with the plastic surgeon on Friday.  I’m hoping after that appointment I will find out more of what is needed to convince the insurance company and how long that process might take.

Cycling Through the Stages

I’m in pain.  What has been discovered explains so much of the last year.  Depending on how much sleep I have can often bring me back to another stage that I’ve been through in this process.  Trying to do things with the kids, a walk, sitting with the baby/toddler who wants to wrestle but her elbow catches me just right and … ouch!  I feel like I’ve missed so much time with her already.  She loves to be worn and I’m hesitant to put her up right now, not wanting to damage things further and that makes me angry all over again.  As we deal with her MSPI issues and are just starting to get appointments to hopefully figure out if there is something more I worry how we are going to fit it all in.

I try to do my Fit2B and simple tummy breaths are hard.  I’m planning today to watch the Grief & Recovery video, the first one, to see if I think I can do that routine.  I know there is tension in my body, especially this week as my husband is grading exams and I’m parenting basically on my own.  I know some women in the FB group have said they just couldn’t do it, so definitely watching the pre-video to see if I think I can do it this week.  Perhaps it waits until after my appointment and the grading is done.  Maybe not even then.  We shall see.

In the meantime… I’m just trying to get through the days.  Get through the end of the school year as part of my brain wants to just say we are done, throw my hands up in the air and just start planning for next year but that is another post.  For now it’s late and I need to sleep.  Hopefully now that this is up I can.

Blessings, Rebecca