Garbage Night

Tonight I realized is garbage night. Now normally this wouldn’t be a big deal but with Michael gone and me being ready to just go to sleep it means I’m on my own to get it ready. Okay still not too big a deal.

As I was emptying the diaper pail upstairs, I realized something. For over a year after Michael lost his job I would put in extra bags in the bottom hoping that by the time I pulled out that last bag to put on the pail we would know what is going on in life. Where he is going to work, where we are going to live, what we are going to be able to plan on doing…

I’ve stopped doing that.

I’ve stopped hoping that by the time I get to the last bag we will know because it seems like we are in a constant state of the unknown.

We haven’t been able to move on because we don’t know what is coming up. How we will pay for things when unemployment runs out next month (unless another extension gets approved which with the state in it’s current situation looks highly unlikely), where is our life going for the future? It’s amazing how much this can upset you at times.  I’m not crying or anything, I just feel resigned right now.  Tired.

We get asked where will you have the baby? Well unless something actually changes, in Syracuse as we have all the others but come October what is going to be happening?

Maybe it’s sad I’ve stopped hoping I’ll know what is going on by the time the last bag gets pulled from the diaper pail. Maybe it’s being a realist. Maybe its just because I’m tired tonight and am looking forward to hearing Michael’s voice saying he arrived in San Diego just fine and that I’ll talk to him tomorrow after his interview.

I think I’ll get some sleep and we’ll see.  That is after I put the garbage out…