Day 55 – Powering Through (or the lack of ability to)

Day 55 Post-Surgery…

Despite the massive scar across my lower abdomen I struggle some days to remember that I have had major surgery and that is why I hurt. I’ve hurt for so long in the last year as I waited for this surgery that the hurting is not what is foreign. The inability to power through… that is what is foreign to me.

Tonight I did drive my van, very carefully across town.  Now I do not live in a big town, its a village really.  It takes not even 10 minutes to get from my house to the store on a bad driving day.  But driving my van (a Sienna) is a little different than driving my husbands little car (a Prius).

Tonight I did manage to walk, very carefully and albeit slowly, around the grocery store to get the few things that were necessary.

All in all I should be happy with what I’ve managed to do today.

The kids did school.  The youngest got some cuddle time while the older three helped an older neighbor with the closing of the garden for the year.

But despite all of that…

It is so hard to not think, I should be able to do more.  The taking is slow, taking it careful.  Remembering that the to-do list will wait.  Remembering that it won’t be the end of the world if something doesn’t get done.  That is hard.

I want to just be well.

I want to just be healed.

I want to not hurt.

But… it has only been 6 weeks.

If I had given birth, the pain might be remembered more easily having a little one hopefully here at home to hold and take care of.  I would be tired, but I might give myself a little more grace for it.  I remember wanting to do more after my c-sections but I was already doing so much keeping that little being alive I never really focused on it.

Self-care when someone else, a little being, is not dependent on you is harder.  Self-care when the world thinks you appear able bodied can be harder to speak up when you need help.

Our grocery store usually always asks, would you like help out with your order?  Tonight I wasn’t asked.

I almost spoke up.  I almost said something. But I didn’t.

Despite looking able-bodied I used my parking permit tonight.  I walked slowly.  I used my brain to think of how to walk around efficiently instead of how many steps can I wrack up on my FitBit while I’m at the store to get my goal.

I need to remember, even looking young and able-bodied, I can ask for help.  I can take care of myself by saying this is too much for me to do today/tonight/this week.

Remembering that, that self-care… is the hardest lesson of all I think in this whole thing.

I made bread after getting home.  I reheated dinner, as I’m blessed to have a husband who cooks and left plenty of leftovers.

I’m going to bed early.

Because I’m in pain and I hurt.

I’m hoping tomorrow will be a more pain free day so I can get some of those things on my to-do list done.  I wrote this instead tonight.

Because I needed to get it out.

Because I needed to remember sometimes you can’t just power through the pain.  Taking care of myself means not powering through.